Hut Words

My Neighbours

Who are my neighbours dwelling around my green tin hut?

First and foremost the air. The air is always here. She shapes the mood of everything that happens in this place. First week, she flung herself wildly at the hut, night after night. I feared she would tear the corrugated sheets from the hut. She flung rain against hut, and trees, and hill slope, and buildings and every living thing. Mostly, she moves gently through the pasture and the trees, in her winter dress of grey. She is sometimes icy cold, sometimes just cool. Generally she is damp on my skin. She fills every inch of the hut, dances with flame and smoke in the stove, and mingles with my inner darkness in the chambers of my lungs.

And, though really they are air, I must name the clouds. Endlessly changing: grey blanket; stacked in shades of grey and white; low mist; raining; snowing; white billowing; high wisping. They are never the same, but the moment of their changing eludes me always.

Then next most present, is the green sward of the pasture. I know little about grasses but suspect that there is one main green being carpeting the huge rising slope of the field, in tussocks, dips, mounds and furrows. Sometimes grass carries the white of frost, often a million million drops of rain or dew. Beneath the sward is hidden water that squelches under each step I take.

After that, I name the creatures beyond the fence. Tall Ash, lower Hazel and Hawthorn leaning over the wire fence. All of them bearing vast communities of lichen that dazzle silver from a distance in the sun. Some Ashes are home to massing stands of Ivy rising up two thirds of their height. There are many more plant creatures beyond the fence – Wood Anemones are pushing their green shoots up – but I will not name them now. Buds are growing black Ash, brown Hazel and Hawthorn.

But the strongest presence in the wood is the thick brown stream that weaves his way strongly, silently between steep banks, eddying quickly round fallen trees and over shallow beds, moving slowly through deep reaches. He threatened to burst his banks after the heaviest rain but now has receded and moves endlessly downstream to meet the Ouse.

And my winged neighbours. Most frequently observed, or heard are the Great Tits and the Crows. The Great Tits are not large but in many ways they seem the most present of all winged or legged creatures here. The crows forage continuously on the pasture, make their way with purpose across the sky, sit as sentinels in the highest trees. They too are ever present. Then there are the geese – Canada and Grey Lag and some kind of domestic breed. Always down by the lake or foraging on the campsite meadow beyond the trackway. And the daily Cormorant with its watch tower tree. And the passage of ducks. And when the sun breaks through an explosion of blackbirds, robins, other tits all joining the Great Tits in the wood.

I know, I know there are thousands of neighbours smaller than these around me but it these cold days apart from the flies, moths and spiders that share the hut with me they have remained unnoticed.

And surprisingly only the tracks of creatures I expected to see. The well-worn paths of rabbits through the lattice of the fence wires down by the lake. And small hoof prints of deer in the wet mud of the woodland floor.

And lastly of course, the fields of sheep all around me, and the incongruous Alpacas, and the even more dissonant two-humped Camel.

And Mark, up in the huts by hardstanding on the rise, and Jack, the wood man, and Andy, who lives somewhere over the back of the barns beyond the lake, and Philip, the farmer, his wife and his son and daughter. And a guy I haven’t met, but always see away in the distance, in the green hi-viz jacket, working on vehicles all day over in the neighbour’s barns. And sometimes the fishermen looking miserable down by the lake when weekend comes.

And me.

 

 

Image mine.

Hut Words

The rain is the lesson

It’s raining again. Pretty much everyday. The pasture is waterlogged, in places puddling. The hut wheels sit in water filled ruts. Always the sound of rain on the metal roof, then the drip-drip off the roof onto the tarp sheltering firewood and the plastic water container beside the hut.

Mostly the sky is grey. Sometimes grey blanket clouds. Sometimes low grey fog blanking out everything beyond the pasture. Sometimes hurrying big clouds, dark and light mottled. But pretty much always grey.

Just twice it has felt like spring has come. An evening a couple of days ago, after a day of grey. Blue skies, racing white cumulus and birdsong the strongest I’ve heard since I arrived three weeks ago. And yesterday again, once the morning fog lifted, a glorious day of blue, and white, and green. And again the birds. Great tits joined by blackbirds, robins and a warbler in the hazels over the fence.

I check daily in anticipation of some snow, a blanket of white, the beautiful crispness of frozen air. But no, just rain.

But this evening I realised that this is it. The sitting waiting, listening, watching is to learn, but to learn with the body and the emotions, not the rapid mind that longs for action and completion and a tidy story.

This is February, on this farm, by this river, next to this wood. To settle into it, to adjust myself to its steady mood and its minor undulations, is to dwell with it, in it. Yes spring time, and snow time, and storm time are it too. But this continual water, this continual grey, the quietness, the uneventfulness, are the very things to settle into and find a rhythm in.

They are the living land here, now, in this.

Hut Words

Smiling to myself

Smiling to myself.

I am struggling to make any progress on my book. Instead I am taking delight in reading and re-reading other works. The latest diversion is going back to Turtles All The Way Down. But it’s always slightly tainted by the thought that I am both avoiding writing and muddying my mind and making writing more difficult.

I also notice that I have these delightful moments of insight when I am reading something. And I guess that seasoned writers stop everything and capture those insights, because they are the things that really sing. I kid myself that I can come back to them but, no, they are gone and that moment of clarity is impossible to reach again.

But anyway, that’s not the reason I am smiling to myself. I smile because I really question what it is I really want. I sit here in front of the window of my shepherd’s hut. A glass of Black Sheep Ale on the placemat beside me. For the last half hour I have watched the movements and impossible to detect changes in the white cumulus clouds coming over me. They rise from behind the ridge of dark trees the other side of the green pasture that my hut sits at the bottom of. The continual rumble of the weir in the brown stream in flood in the woods behind me is the backdrop, strangely occupying the same sonic space as the extractor fan in the Chinese restaurant in my Lewes house.

Just watching the clouds, the brightness of the blue between them, the strength and warmth of the sun when the clouds allow it to shine through, the sound of the Great Tits in the woods behind, the caw of Crows from every side. This moment is exquisite and I can wish for nothing more. I am completely immersed in the slow pageant of earth and sky present in my senses. I breathe gently, I sip my beer, I feel the chill of the air on my hands, I want for nothing.

Why do I want to write anything – what does it do for me?

I reflect on DH Lawrence’s description of a character in Thomas Hardy’s The Return of the Native. This guy felt he understood the world, in his thoughts and reasoning. He felt it was his responsibility to return to Edgon Moor to instruct others in the right way. But in doing so he was making two great mistakes. One, that this wisdom could be taught by rational education. Lawrence remarks that the character finds the woman who is the perfect embodiment of the wild moor. Then he feels like he understands her and can explain her, and in doing so completely fails to experience the reality of her (and the moor). In understanding her, he cuts himself off from her. And secondly, that by seeking to teach others he was avoiding confronting his own being and way of living. I confess to feeling a pang of identification with this character!

So back to the exquisite passage and constantly shifting shapes of the massed white clouds above me. Why is it not enough just to live in the moment of clouds, sunlight, beer, cool wind, hut, and deeply imbibe them, open every sense to them, flex every filter to them (physiological and psychological, sorry Turtles book creeping in here!)? Why is it even on my mind to try to capture the moment in words, or to abduct some sort of lesson, metaphor, or insight from the experience?

I remember a moment years ago when I diverted my route home from Phoenix, Arixona, via Houston. I wanted to visit the Rothko Chapel and sit for a while amongst those amazing (for me) panels of dark colour. I sat there for a couple of hours. Near the end of the time, the attendant came out to check I was ok. Often people come trying to have some transcendent, spiritual experience in front of the paintings and get quite disturbed when they don’t. She was just wanting to be sure I wasn’t one of those! Maybe, in a way, I was. I was sat there, straining my whole being to have a relaxed, spontaneous experience of what was before me!

And I have done the same elsewhere. The Matisse Chapel at Vence, just outside Nice. The monastery with the Fra Bartholemew paintings in Florence. Cave paintings in southern France (can’t quite remember where!)

For a long time now, my attention has shifted from art to the natural world. But maybe the intention remains the same, to access or create a gateway experience to something more foundational, more essential than the level of experience our everyday filters create for us. Something that is more essential.

But why bother?

The clouds are the air clouding. The sensation of that creates ripples across my neurology. And that is it.

And to be present to that moment … that is everything … and then it is gone.

And the next exquisite moment has arrived now.

 

 

Image mine.

Hut Words, Poetry

Yellow Catkins

The earth’s pull is held in their hanging
Unseen bonds join
Catkins to the earth.
The pull binds them to the damp soil.
The catkin and the ground
Two poles of the same.

And their swinging.
The nudge of the wind on one catkin
And then another.
The nudge and the swing
The catkin and the wind
Are one whole.

The swing is held in the pull.
The pull is constant
The swing is for a moment.
Pull is weight
The sway so light.

The body of the catkin
Is delicate to the touch.
My finger tip brushes it
A caress.
A thousand hanging tails
Swinging in the breeze
Caught in the pull of the earth.
And the brush of my touch.

And the curve of a bough
Of so many boughs
Arching out from the root
Reaching out over the fence.
Old, wet, moss laden, bark clad.

The curve is a dance with the pull of earth
The reach is a dance with the life of sun
The sway is a dance with the movement of air.
The curve, the reach, the sway
The silent dance of earth, sky and tree
Held in the space of this moment
Between the Hazel and I.

Hut Words

Musings in the green hut

On the table
The debris of a meal
That looks like it was for more than one.

The whiskey almost gone
The wine bottle empty too.
The litter of mugs, glasses, plates.

Bowie on the speaker
Man who sold the world.

In this green clad hut
The curve of the roof
Oak beams like ribs.
The hobbit burner
Flames flickering
In the midst of black iron.
The still air outside
Demands care on the inside
To keep the wood burning.
I watch the dancing beauty
Of the lively flame.

What is my life?
Is it to be alone
In this remote hut
In a big field
Shrouded in mist and dark?
Is this the fulfilment
I really seek?

A sip of wine
An alcoholic daze?
Is the tingle in my skin
The wine
Or the stove?

Where is all this going
Am I slowly withdrawing
Down the path to a long held dream
Or heading towards fruitless isolation?

I honestly don’t know.

Guess I am going to find out
One way or another
Coz there is no going back
Now

Image mine.

Hut Words, Most Promising

The air is grey today

The air is grey today.

High air clouds itself thickly. Uniform. Unchanging. White-grey.

Mid air clings to the dark trees. Hangs there damply. Red-brown. Green-brown. Brown. Grey.

Low air wets the grass. Greying pockets with wetness. Dark green tufts. Light green drifts. Brown smudges. Grey.

Air brings her dampness, greyness and stillness and makes the morning.

And brings a coolness to my skin. A stream breaks from the wind, slips through the open window and eddies in the square space of the hut. She drapes herself over my arms, brushes my face. I breathe her in.

And the trees breathe her too and the grass. And the birds in the woods across from my window. Blue tits chit-chatting. Blackbird singing into the grey. In the grey calmness of the morning no alarm calls here. Just singing, chatting, foraging, yes and breathing the grey air.

And the cars and the lorries, on the distant Chailey road, they breathe air too.

—————————————–

 

Photo by Jill Dimond on Unsplash

Hut Words

Cormorant Watching

This morning, through the hut window, a Cormorant in the sky entered my knowing. Making measured checking-out circles, it finally came in, deliberately, to land in the highest tree down by the lake. And there it stayed for a long, long while. The landscape had a watcher other than me. A fitting watcher, as my watching is no use to the beings of this place. I am something to be watched, my movements and actions are causes for alert. I can’t yet see any positive contribution from my existence here.

The Cormorant, grips the top of the tree, motionless, sometimes he turns his head, but in essence, still. However the nature of the place has changed now it has a watcher. The total feel of the place shifts, incorporating, relating to, this new presence and its watching eye. There is a gathering, a presencing, of tree-bird-standing, tall-seeing, bright black eyes opened out over the whole expanse of the landscape. The field, the tree-line, the waters, are now watched, and that changes them. They are tree-cormoranted in their presence. And the tree-cormorant-seeing gathers up the whole expanse of the land into itself. I feel myself watched, even in the inner shadow of my hut.

Or, attempting to say this differently, my experience of the bird is one where the cormorant holds the whole landscape in its body, its eye; and the landscape is now cormoranted, is experienced by me differently now that black watcher is within the sphere of it all.

Busying myself with washing up, making bed, tidying, the tree-cormorant-watching slips out of my awareness. Then a glance out the window catches some undefined flicker of movement on the ridge line of the green field. It comes and goes for some time. My own eye can’t make sense of it so I take down the binoculars. In time, it becomes clear that a whole flock of thrush-sized birds is foraging from left to right across the greensward of the field. Fieldfares, visitors from other lands, moving through, under the watching eye of Cormorant high in that highest tree. I feel the presence of tree-cormorant-seeing, expanse of field-lake-trees, jerky cross movement of peck-pecking, alert-still then hurried-walking, peck-pecking fieldfares, and my eye, my binoculars, my feeling, the moment, the now, the here. This moment unfolds, cormorant stillness, fieldfare activity, openness of the land, attention of me. Under lightness of cloud-carpet sky, and on upwards-curving earth. And all very still.

Again I forget the scene. Then later I leave the hut to attend to things outside. Suddenly I sense the Cormorant in flight. His black, watching eye detected me and the sentinel alerts. Its flight tells all the landscape that I am on the move. The Cormorant heads off over the wood behind me and leaves the wholeness of this land’s presencing. The Fieldfares run-stop-peck their way across the green curve of the field, sloping down to the thick brown stream. The lake-wood-field settles to being unwatched, at least for a while.

Photo by Rajesh Rajput on Unsplash

Hut Words, Longer Pieces

“Go back to your own land, she will teach you again”

At one of the first gatherings of eco-psychologists in the UK, maybe ten years ago, a new acquaintance of mine recounted a story.

He had gone to the US to attend a training course run by Native Americans promising to teach how to live in a closer relationship with the natural world. During a coffee break, my friend was talking to one of the tutors. He explained the reason that he had traveled to the US to train with them. In the UK our indigenous culture, deeply in tune with the natural world, had vanished a thousand or so years ago. He had traveled to learn from those still in touch with the land.

The tutor paused before replying, then said, “Don’t come to us to learn these things. Go back to your own land, she will teach you again”.

That simple injunction, “Go back to your own land, she will teach you again” has stayed with me, deeply haunting me over the past decade.

What would it mean to be taught by the land? Who would I need to be? What would I need to do? … in order to become receptive to this wordless enformation.

Scanning the landscape, I see several movements or approaches that might appear to fit this notion. But each one of them, in the end, I feel is not going to create a place where we, I, could be in the place of being truly tutored by the land.

The current environmental movement – very needed at our current moment of crisis – but ultimately a global exercise in self preservation for the human race. When we re-introduce wolves in Yellowstone Park arguably we are restoring the wisdom of nature and learning from it. But when we plant wind farms in wild places we have not become wiser. We continue to see the land a useful resource for human civilisation. There is no fundamental change in mindset from a coal mine or an oil rig – nature is to be used by us to support our own way of life – just we aren’t producing CO2 anymore. But violence is still being done to wildness.

The fascination and adoption of what scant knowledge we have of the myths and wisdoms of our ancient ancestors. Rich and rewarding territory no doubt and I love to participate in this to a great degree. However the idea that it it is useful to return to ancient ways is flawed in at least two ways. Firstly, there was no perfect past, every stage of human existence has its goodness and brokenness and it is act of projection to imagine a model past to be recaptured and emulated. Secondly, myths and stories are only filters – it is useful to put on other filters to gain insight. However, whilst any filter allows us to see things in new ways, in the same moment, it obscures other aspects of reality from view. It is interesting to consider the birch tree as an expression of feminine wisdom and to do so causes us to experience that specific tree in that woodland clearing in a particular way. But we must then step back from this. Holding that “truth” causes us to experience the tree in a certain way but obscures endless other ways that the tree can show up in our experience. I get interested wondering what un-languaged experience led the ancients to weave their story. It is the pre-cognitive experience that is the deeper training. The story of the ancients can be a hint of where to look but it blurs the unspoken teaching if we hold to it as “true”.

So what could be a possible path to a place where we could be once again taught by the land we live on?

Photo by Eriks Abzinovs on Unsplash

Hut Words

A Winter Landscape

Reflections on a painting.

Cold air has laid herself, softly, gently, on this place for many days now. With a stillness, with a gentleness, and a sharp, clear iciness, she has changed everything. The clouds, the snow are white, but the air, she has a whiteness too – a clear, sharp whiteness that flares in the eyes.

There is a place here, a place where river and road cross, where the way of nature and the way of the human gently fold around each other.

The river has been frozen for many days now, has become a path, just like the road. Both can be walked on, be played on, both offer support. River for the children; road for the people, the horses, the cart.

And the meeting of road and river in this landscape, by means of the bridge, gathers a world around it. The fences, the trees, the houses, the sky, the clouds arrange themselves around the meeting place, somehow shift their relationship to it, and each other. In that moment of gathering, in that adjustment of relating, there is the possibility of an opening up in the gaze of the watcher.

I watch, though the painting, and through time, through the brush of paint, and through the artist, and I am present to and part of this gathered world.

The tall tree by the roadside is a watcher too. Its treely awareness inclines to the hunched humans in the cart, and the spritely prancing horses as they pass beneath it.

And the air, oh air, painted in exquisite detail by the long-dead painter. Filling the space above the river, the road, the bridge, expansive up, up into the ether – so cold, so white, so still. And under the bridge, darker, lurking, pushing fingers into every cranny of stone and wood and plant. And in the mouths of all the people – warmed, wetted, rippled by their breath. In the bright places it shines like glass, and in the dark folds close to the earth, it holds the shadows, with a soft fist.

There is a human narrative here too. Children playing in the joy of a winter day. The idle watcher on the bridge, a parent? A passerby? The couples in the cart taking the air in this world of beauty. The couple striding briskly, and to what end?

And there is a wider, bigger story too. The expanse of the land, the presence of the sky, the upthrusting of the trees, the stillness of the river, the unseen birds and animals, the myriad of insects, the lurking fish. This is a vast field, a grand moment of being.

And I sit in my kitchen, the coldness of the air wakens the hairs on my exposed forearms. The train rumbles by beneath me. The weekend’s frost and ice has gone from my world now. But, as I gaze at the picture, it lingers in my experience still.

All these things gather to me, in this ancient room, through this printed picture, lying on the pine table between my elbows.

And what of all this? To what end? If, indeed, an end is even a useful thing to enquire after.

What is the lure of these old paintings that bring landscapes now long gone to life? What is important in the intentions, the attentions and art of these long-gone painters that feels like a portal for today?

They invoke a place, a moment. I want to avoid using the word “re-enchant” but they do allow the natural world to presence with an open aliveness that shifts the human presence to a smaller place, sets up the human in a wider field of being. Even with this picture, where the human presence has an intended focus, it doesn’t take much to pull back and widen the lens of perception, so the wider natural context becomes the larger thing. The wider field has a presence that engulfs the human even though the people are not as small as in a Chinese painting. And yet the human action is vital in causing the place to arise. In a perfect Heideggerian moment, the bridge passing over the river creates the place that anchors the whole felt sense of the whole. Even the people going about their various activities, in the end, contribute to the bridge being itself and thus causing the whole scene to open up.

So I guess the helpfulness in these images is that, even if the intentions of the painters has now become outdated, their work gives us some material to experiment with in encountering the world, places, moments with a shifted mode of attention.

The painting is Thomas Birch’s Philadelphia Winter Landscape c. 1830 – 1845